Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
