In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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