Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
