My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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