Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize