theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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