Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
