i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
