Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
