You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
