her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
