Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize