GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
