hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
