Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
