I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
