just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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