okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
