Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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