Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
