It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
