Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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