my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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