Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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