Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
