that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
