Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
