Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm too high and old for this...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
