I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
