if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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