i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
3 2 1 whiskey
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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