Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
