Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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