Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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