I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
