hotel room ftw
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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