if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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