saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
