Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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