I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
