Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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