He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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