My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
