just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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