Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
