I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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