just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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