I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
