I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
