Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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