my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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