Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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