as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
