I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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