my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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