my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
