Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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