I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
