I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
