I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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