he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
just tell him i said nine months
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
