Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
