i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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