They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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