On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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