I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
